Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Chapter Eighteen: History's Greatest Monster


Bill's a fuckin' drunk bum. It wasn't always like that, though.

-Stop! This isn't about some wife, kids, picket-fence bullplop. This is Bill. And before that fateful day in 1987, Bill was the smartest man on the planet. Pulitzer? Nope, smarter than that. Nobel? Nope, wrong again, dummy. Bill soared above them all. He was Hawking without the fancy chair and spousal abuse. But even with all of his superfly ESP, he couldn't see this one coming. It was C-SPAN. Larry King, or whoever came before Larry King. Was there anybody there before Larry King? Stop! That's not important. So Bill's on the Larry King thing, and he's supposed to be talking about health care, or the space program, or fashion, or some shit. But all of a sudden, he blurts it out. That's right - it.

"Jimmy Carter is a robot."

Larry King actually laughs at him. It's this low laugh - it sounds like television static mixed with a girraffe going through a wood-chipper. But Bill doesn't think it's funny. He serious - dead serious. He strangles Larry King before the test pattern goes into panic mode and everybody's thinking technical difficulties. But Bill's the only difficulty. Now C-Span needs a new host.

Bill lost everything after the Carter incident - his Carter incident. But, Oh, Larry King came back, the very next day. And Jimmy Carter won't be alive by 2014, his batteries don't have that much charge.

Fuck. This story's not that great, is it? Too bad.


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